Dear ex

Dear ex
You locked up my room
My bed, my heart
My dreams
How am i supposed to sleep

I hated the fact
That you are only my lesson
As i am only
Your station
But never your destination

Us is just
A big wishful thinking
Coz i am
The only one
Who can never have you

Dear ex
Get out of my head
Clarity i can’t see
My chest is empty

Dear ex,
I know you’ve seen it
Watching you sometime
And i cannot continue
My words had become
Dreary, dry, insipid

Please bring back-
Your old friend’s lost heart..

Kill me at 3am


Kill me at 3am
When i’m at my weakest
I promise
I will not move
Nor dare even breathe
I have already lost a heartbeat
waking up will just be
A grand confirmation
Nightmare after nightmare
That you- are
No longer mine

Tie my hands behind my back
This time, my words
Are forever shut
Words that are mere facts
Lost every evident feeling
The lack of soul
Exhausted emotions
Wondering when
The momentous exile
Of an ordinary heart will happen
Hope had rippled across
Back never back to my soul

Kill me before 4am
When i’m deeply dreaming
Sitting by the river bend
Wishing i can still
Walk with you
While holding your hand
A quite perfect ending
For I’ll never notice
The dagger inside my chest
Hold me while i’m dying
As you tear
All sense and meaning
Which i have not found
When i started loving you

Kill me at 3am
When everyone’s asleep
No one’s watching
No one’s listening
The whole world drunk
In their own clutter
Voices trembling, mumbling
Singing cries of the lonely
Apprehended and arrested
Weeping the hours
Like the rest of us
Fallen madly
In this chaotic tantrums
When you are expected
To be quiet
Stability is so seductive
We’re stuck in this
Endless chase of
Being numb versus feeling something

So, yes, kill me at 3am
You already have my heart
What more harm will it do
Now that i know
How long your forever lasts
Your words will never fit
A rightful apology
But then go ahead
By all means
Coz aren’t i just another memory
An imprint that can be easily erased
I thought i existed
When you were around
So kill me one more time
And be damn sure
It will be the last..

Vincent’s Secret

Who would have thought Vincent ratted out a secret right before he died? Although, I am guilty of getting lost to its negative premise from time to time, it has always been a helping hand. Repeatedly, it pulled me out of a terrorizing unwillingness to write due to a lot of possible rejection. I love the fact that everyone paid too much attention to its darker side, dismissing to take a second look at an unlikely angle. If everyone did, they would have known, and it wouldn’t be a secret after all. Vincent waited for his death and shared Theo his reluctance to pursue living. He said, “La tristesse durera toujours”. I believe him. He is right, sadness will be forever, and I say it is forever. It’s always here, by my side, keeping me company, and constantly thriving to block out my fears. I can hear it telling me in a subtle whisper, “Do it. What do you have to lose? I am already here. Are you scared of failure? I’ll serve you my famous deep fried pain. Success? Really?! A little bit positive are we? Don’t worry; I’ll drop you cues daily to keep you grounded.”

I may be a fool for accepting sadness in my life. But, it is my one definite companion. Over time, it had pulled me away from the weak and over bearing ego. It had given me balance in a rather odd way.  It is here to stay, reminding me to forget, let go of all those fears, giving me strength, to create, build, continue, and follow my own path stirring away from everyone’s perception of what should be. It’s the one thing that gives me freedom from all the unsolicited unnecessary rules. So, I say, cheers to sadness for breaking the shackles created by everyone’s belief. You are forever written in my countless days to come.

Sadness is forever, an unusual mantra I borrowed from Van Gogh, my poison, like wine and cigarettes filling my system with courage; also, my coffee, as it is my drive. Sadness is forever, and I can tell you in an unending repetition. You and I both know, it is an existing reality. But, would you, dare continue?